Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Disclaimer: This story is fiction. The only truth in this tale is that we really did put Billy together backwards. Since there is no INERT, however, we had to deal with the trauma on our own.
A phone rings at a dispatch center at IKEA headquarters in Småland, Sweden…
INERT: IKEA National Emergency Response Team. What’s your emergency?
Caller: Oh, man, this is really embarrassing. I shouldn’t have called—I’m really sorry to have bothered you…Oh, never mind!
INERT: Wait! Don’t hang up! Please. We’re hear to help you—just take a deep breath and tell me what happened. I’m sure we can fix it.
Caller: I’m sorry, it’s just that…I never dreamed we’d need your services, I mean, I just don’t know who else to turn to and…and...
INERT: Please try to calm down and listen to me--we are professional IKEA assemblers who have special training in crisis intervention, but we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what happened.
Caller: OK, OK. It’s about my Billy…
INERT: Is Billy your husband?
Caller: No, no, I mean the model Billy…you know…the Billy bookshelf.
INERT: Oh, yes, of course! What happened to your Billy?
Caller: We’re having a housewarming party tonight and everyone will be here in a few hours and my husband was putting together the last of our new IKEA furniture, and then…and then…he started swearing, and I ran out into the living room to see what happened and at first I didn’t see anything but then he kept saying, “I screwed up! I screwed up!” and then I saw it and everyone will be here tonight and they’ll see it too and they’ll all think we’re idiots and never speak to us again….
INERT: Ma’am…
Caller: …and our bosses are going to be here and they’ll probably fire us because we’re supposed to be technically competent and we can’t even put together IKEA furniture…
INERT: Ma’am…
Caller: …and my husband tried to blame it on the kids by saying they distracted him but we don’t even have kids but then he said he wished we did because then he could tell everyone that they made him do it wrong and…
INERT: MA’AM! Please! You’ve got to calm down for me so I can help you! Now just tell me what the problem is. Take is nice and slow.
Caller: Sorry! Sorry! Yes…My husband was putting in the last adjustable shelf when he noticed the main shelf, you know, the one that is nailed in with half a million nails and steadies the whole bookshelf was in backwards and the ugly, unfinished side was facing outward and I told him to take the bookshelf apart and turn the shelf around the right way and he did but then all those big, ugly nail holes show from where it was nailed on to the back panel and we’re going to have a house full of our Swedes over here in a few hours and all Swedes can put IKEA stuff together in their sleep and every one of them will notice that we screwed this up and my husband tried to find some wood putty for the holes but nothing really matched and everyone is going to see the holes and…
INERT: OK, OK. I understand. It’s going to be fine. Listen, I’m dispatching an INERT technician to your apartment now with wood putty that exactly matches your bookshelf, and I want you to stay on the line with me until he gets there.
Caller: Oh, that’s wonderful! Thank you! Thank you!
INERT: Ma’am? Listen, tell me what your husband’s doing right now. Is he OK?
Caller: I…I don’t know…he was real upset…now he’s laying on the floor next to the Billy bookshelf and his face is purple!
INERT: Purple? OK, if he doesn’t look better as soon as we’re done here you might want to call 911.
Caller: Yeah, OK. I just feel so stupid that we couldn’t do this right. I mean, I don’t know if I ever want to try to put together IKEA furniture again, but thanks for your help on this one. You guys are really a lifesaver!
INERT: That’s what we’re here for—but you shouldn’t feel stupid. I can tell by your accent that you’re not originally from Sweden, are you?
Caller: No, I’m from the States.
INERT: Well, IKEA is all over the world now, but what you’ve got to keep in mind is that you didn’t grow up with IKEA the way many Swedes have. It’s part of our culture now, but for those who are new to IKEA, there are going to be times when things don’t work so well for you, and you shouldn’t feel bad about this at all—it’s perfectly normal, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So don’t give up, whatever you do. You keep buying IKEA products, and pretty soon you’ll be as good at it as any Swede!
Caller: Thanks, that’s really nice of you to say. I mean, we I guess we didn’t have any problems with our Olle chairs, and our Ellinor curtains look real nice…Billy, Olle, and Ellinor…it’s like our own little family…(the caller begins to weep).
INERT: See? That’s the spirit! And remember, we’re always here to help you, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Caller: Thank you! I’m so glad you were there! Oh! There’s someone at the door!
INERT: That’s the INERT technician. Go ahead and let him in, and have a nice day!
Caller: Thanks! You too!
The caller hangs up and opens the door for the INERT technician, who quickly assesses the situation.
INERT Technician: Your Billy bookshelf’s going be fine, ma’am, but I’m not sure about your husband--he's really lost it. Looks like you’re going to need to talk him out of jumping out the window.
Caller: Boy, he really has lost it--we live on the ground floor.
A phone rings at a dispatch center at IKEA headquarters in Småland, Sweden…
INERT: IKEA National Emergency Response Team. What’s your emergency?
Caller: Oh, man, this is really embarrassing. I shouldn’t have called—I’m really sorry to have bothered you…Oh, never mind!
INERT: Wait! Don’t hang up! Please. We’re hear to help you—just take a deep breath and tell me what happened. I’m sure we can fix it.
Caller: I’m sorry, it’s just that…I never dreamed we’d need your services, I mean, I just don’t know who else to turn to and…and...
INERT: Please try to calm down and listen to me--we are professional IKEA assemblers who have special training in crisis intervention, but we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what happened.
Caller: OK, OK. It’s about my Billy…
INERT: Is Billy your husband?
Caller: No, no, I mean the model Billy…you know…the Billy bookshelf.
INERT: Oh, yes, of course! What happened to your Billy?
Caller: We’re having a housewarming party tonight and everyone will be here in a few hours and my husband was putting together the last of our new IKEA furniture, and then…and then…he started swearing, and I ran out into the living room to see what happened and at first I didn’t see anything but then he kept saying, “I screwed up! I screwed up!” and then I saw it and everyone will be here tonight and they’ll see it too and they’ll all think we’re idiots and never speak to us again….
INERT: Ma’am…
Caller: …and our bosses are going to be here and they’ll probably fire us because we’re supposed to be technically competent and we can’t even put together IKEA furniture…
INERT: Ma’am…
Caller: …and my husband tried to blame it on the kids by saying they distracted him but we don’t even have kids but then he said he wished we did because then he could tell everyone that they made him do it wrong and…
INERT: MA’AM! Please! You’ve got to calm down for me so I can help you! Now just tell me what the problem is. Take is nice and slow.
Caller: Sorry! Sorry! Yes…My husband was putting in the last adjustable shelf when he noticed the main shelf, you know, the one that is nailed in with half a million nails and steadies the whole bookshelf was in backwards and the ugly, unfinished side was facing outward and I told him to take the bookshelf apart and turn the shelf around the right way and he did but then all those big, ugly nail holes show from where it was nailed on to the back panel and we’re going to have a house full of our Swedes over here in a few hours and all Swedes can put IKEA stuff together in their sleep and every one of them will notice that we screwed this up and my husband tried to find some wood putty for the holes but nothing really matched and everyone is going to see the holes and…
INERT: OK, OK. I understand. It’s going to be fine. Listen, I’m dispatching an INERT technician to your apartment now with wood putty that exactly matches your bookshelf, and I want you to stay on the line with me until he gets there.
Caller: Oh, that’s wonderful! Thank you! Thank you!
INERT: Ma’am? Listen, tell me what your husband’s doing right now. Is he OK?
Caller: I…I don’t know…he was real upset…now he’s laying on the floor next to the Billy bookshelf and his face is purple!
INERT: Purple? OK, if he doesn’t look better as soon as we’re done here you might want to call 911.
Caller: Yeah, OK. I just feel so stupid that we couldn’t do this right. I mean, I don’t know if I ever want to try to put together IKEA furniture again, but thanks for your help on this one. You guys are really a lifesaver!
INERT: That’s what we’re here for—but you shouldn’t feel stupid. I can tell by your accent that you’re not originally from Sweden, are you?
Caller: No, I’m from the States.
INERT: Well, IKEA is all over the world now, but what you’ve got to keep in mind is that you didn’t grow up with IKEA the way many Swedes have. It’s part of our culture now, but for those who are new to IKEA, there are going to be times when things don’t work so well for you, and you shouldn’t feel bad about this at all—it’s perfectly normal, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So don’t give up, whatever you do. You keep buying IKEA products, and pretty soon you’ll be as good at it as any Swede!
Caller: Thanks, that’s really nice of you to say. I mean, we I guess we didn’t have any problems with our Olle chairs, and our Ellinor curtains look real nice…Billy, Olle, and Ellinor…it’s like our own little family…(the caller begins to weep).
INERT: See? That’s the spirit! And remember, we’re always here to help you, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Caller: Thank you! I’m so glad you were there! Oh! There’s someone at the door!
INERT: That’s the INERT technician. Go ahead and let him in, and have a nice day!
Caller: Thanks! You too!
The caller hangs up and opens the door for the INERT technician, who quickly assesses the situation.
INERT Technician: Your Billy bookshelf’s going be fine, ma’am, but I’m not sure about your husband--he's really lost it. Looks like you’re going to need to talk him out of jumping out the window.
Caller: Boy, he really has lost it--we live on the ground floor.
# posted by Karen @ 12:48 PM 
